Dear Sweet & Low,
I'm a man in my thirties, married to a woman, and settled down in a city in the North of England. For as long as I can remember I have had fetishes. Whilst growing up, it was always very private. Through my twenties I couldn't tell anyone about what I was interested in. I occasionally find men attractive, though on the scale I'm more into women - most days at least!
As a child I was fascinated by strong women. My earlier fantasies would involve wrestling. We would play rough and tumble games at school with girls rarely being involved, even though I was desperate for them to (be included). I do remember losing a play fight to a girl and being mixed with a feeling of shame and disbelief. But my thoughts would linger on that brief tussle, as it grew in my mind into something else.
This fetish and desire has never gone away; however there is another which has caught up with it and now is in top spot - Small Penis Humiliation.
Again back to childhood memories, getting changed for sport at school was an uncomfortable experience for me. I would shower with all the other boys, and it was clear my penis was the smallest. I admit this is the sort of story someone who is into SPH would come up with, but in my case it is true. These aren't happy memories. At the time it was very painful, and I couldn't stand being in school. Other boys made nicknames for me and told the girls, who found it funny. You can imagine, not great for a teenage boy.
How small, you may or may not be wondering? As an adult when I'm erect, I'm a little shy of four and a half inches. And when soft, barely worth measuring. Not a medical condition but certainly on the lower end.
Gradually over time I have somehow fetishized the feelings. A typical fantasy may go something like this:
I meet a woman and we get on well. Very well.... One thing leads to another and we're about to make love. She gently runs her hand down the front of my underwear. She stops. She steps back and looks at me questioningly, then asks me to take down my pants. She doesn't believe what she sees. She laughs.
It can go a number of ways after this. Maybe she measures me, compares me to small objects. Perhaps she compares me to other men she has known, real men, not a boy like me with a baby dick. Perhaps she invites one of her real men over and forces me to compare my cock to his. I find this deeply arousing.
Mixing back up with the wrestling, I wrestle with her or him and lose, and she sucks him off whilst telling me how much bigger he is than me, or I suck him off to see what a real man is packing.
I generally think fetishes are a good thing, like putting mustard on a hot dog. Hot dogs are good, but mustard makes them a whole lot better.
My feelings are mixed though. In some ways having a small penis is one of the last taboos. When statues of Donald Trump were erected (no pun intended) they showed him fat and with a tiny penis. Everyone laughs, but how do I feel about that, having a penis roughly the same size?
I've never brought this up with my partner. She is aware of the wrestling side but never wanted to participate.
I wonder, is my fascination with small penis humiliation destructive? Are my fantasies healthy? Is there anything I can do in the real world to get some of the feelings of living these out? Should I have my wife involved, and how?
Any insights or advice would be appreciated.
Where's the Relish
Dear Where's the Relish,
Your desire to be humiliated is pretty common. I know it doesn't feel that way. I'm sure as a child you thought you were the only one having those thoughts and feelings. As an adolescent and young man, it just gets worse, especially if you were never given education on sexual health. Naturally, you developed a fantasy in response to isolation as a coping mechanism, and more importantly, a way for your inner voice to call BULLSHIT on other peoples' ideas on who you should be. I say this because I have heard enough stories like this and have known enough of the men attached to "small" penises to see a pattern.
You start off helpless in a fantasy wrestling match, and it morphs into having a woman laugh at you. In both these fantasies, there's a female wielding the power (the opposite of the boys in your locker room), and you feel small and ashamed. The boys TOOK your power. They were your peers, your kind. They were supposed to be your brothers.
But the girl? You GIVE her the power. With the girl, it's your choice to feel helpless in her grasp, overwhelmed and mortified. You can leave the fantasy any time you want. She's not a "collection of your peers," and there's no contest with her. There's nothing to prove, and it's sexy when someone of your choosing has power over you. This isn't a sweet demure girl either. She's not going to tell you what you want to hear, which I'm guessing, would have the opposite effect on your arousal. Instead, she's ruthless and brutal. She doesn't let you hide or run away from your cock. She doesn't look away in embarrassment. And she doesn't make up excuses as to why it won't work for her.
I like the girl in your fantasy. She's got balls. She's doing whatever it takes to own her pleasure, whether with you in humiliation or adding a third stud to finish her off. At this point, I see her lining up men on a construction site and ordering them to pull down their pants for inspection. The biggest man is going to get a ride, and the rest, you'll have to service. (I hope this becomes fodder for a new fantasy, and you're welcome.)
If this were a real scenario, it would only work because she knows you like it, and she's not the one who created the wound. If it didn't arouse you, she wouldn't get off because there's no power to manipulate. Pain is not power. It's a stun gun. Desire is power. It's a magic lasso. I think this is the point of why you fantasize about dominant women who capitalize on your point of "weakness." It might be your only one. Because it's your penis, a female can twist the screw mercilessly.
Women, in general, don't humiliate others out of competition unless they're power hungry, and someone has taken their power. It's an endless cycle. With your fantasy, you've broken the cycle. You could have become a bully, hurting others to infect them with the same kind of pain that refuses to heal, and perpetuates acts of violence, rape, and non-consensual humiliation.
Instead, you chose to be the biggest guy in the room. Truly small people leading small lives do not take what hurts them and turn it into something erotic and exciting. Only people of character and strength take pain and use it in a constructive way. It's not a good or a bad pattern; it's just an observation.
Size is also an observation and relative to the person doing the looking. To a blue whale with a three-meter penis, you're a speck. To a flea, you're a monster cock. (A flea has two penises. A small consolation? Ha.)
My favorite penis fact is the silverback gorilla. A GORILLA with lethal fangs, standing height of 5 feet, and weighing over 500 pounds has a 1.5-inch penis! Let's do the math. If King Kong was twenty-five feet tall, that would make his penis 7.5-inches. A standard hot dog weiner is 6-inches, not including the bun.
According to the British Journal of Urology International (BJUI), the average size of a flaccid human penis is 3.61-inches and an erect penis comes in around 5.16-inches.
The truth is, you wouldn't have any negative feeling associated with size had it not been used as a weapon to gain power over you. The people who took that power certainly didn't deserve it. In many ways, they used your perceived lack of size to make themselves feel bigger. Classic bully.
Speaking of, I have never thought of Trump naked, nor wish to think of him at all. I know little about the actual man, except what I've been told through filters, which is easy to toss into my mental waste bin. To many, he's Luke Skywalker. To others, he's Darth Vader. The parallels are not accidental. Here's a father/son combo with obvious attention-seeking behavior who love using long, glowing sticks to prove they're right about their position in the Universe. They even call their gift "the force." I mean, come on! It's so obvious. Use the force, Luke? In no way am I hating on Star Wars. It's a beautiful story, but goddamn, we are so programmed to give a shit about big, powerful cock.
If you're concerned about being compared to Trump's size, set your sights higher and maybe wider. Think of Michelangelo's David, who was purposely given a tiny pecker in comparison to the rest of his body due to the moral standards of his day. Like David, it's possible your creator gave you a tiny dick because the rest of you is so magnificent to behold. I'm not mentioning this as a "Turn that smile upside down" optimistic trick. I'm suggesting there are many ways to look at something. Ignore the fact David's penis was chiseled off.
You're a Grower, not a Shower. A lot of guys are. I get that size is a status symbol. From the size of our car (engines), to the size of our house, to the size of our ego, it's hard to put a value system on any of it. That doesn't stop us from doing just that.
And what woman doesn't love a big dick? That doesn't mean they want to be fucked by all of that meat. The nerve endings of the vagina stop about an inch and a half inside the canal. So technically, that's like tasting a third of your hot dog and the rest is nothing but a bland mass sitting in the back of the throat.
Don't forget the two most important things: the motion of the ocean and the placement of the basement.
TEMPO is sooooo important and not just for musicians. Everyone has a certain rhythm. Like the ocean, it's ebb and flow. Connect to the current, the ocean will do all the work. You can literally float to your destination without fear of butt cramps or pulling a hamstring. Fight the current, you'll drown. Focusing on the rhythm means connection to your body and your partner. That's erotic and most people aren't good at it, regardless of their size. In my experience, the bigger a man is, the less he has to pay attention to how his partner is feeling and therefore never learns. Or if he's too big, it hurts her, or she can't take him completely and that becomes an area of dissatisfaction. In this case, less really is more.
The basement, meaning the base of the penis, is the foundation, the root of your masculine power. It rubs against the clit and the outer folds of pussy where all those lovely nerve endings live. Clit action is a good, good thing. I don't give a goddamn what the rest of the package is doing if my little lady part isn't getting attention. Put the base in a good, solid place, the walls can shake, the roof can leak, a hurricane can blows out the windows, you'll be safe and secure in the eye of the storm.
If neither of those perspectives do anything for you, get a cock sleeve (and please make it dragon-inspired). I'm serious, you can find it at bad-dragon.com (not sponsored, unfortunately). How to train your dragon, indeed!
Okay, your partner. I say this to everyone, regardless of their fantasy. If your partner isn't interested, they aren't interested. Full stop. Does that mean you stop living your life and having experiences that help you grow as a human being? I don't know. It depends on if they satisfy most of the important qualities you need in a mate. I like the 80/20 ratio, sometimes 90/10. Does it mean you should ask her about her fantasies and see what she'd like to explore? Yes, it does. One hand likes to wash the other.
As far as living out the fantasy, this is a very gray area. I'm all for exploration, but that's me. It's my personality, and I already did a lot of crazy shit way before I met my partner. I will tell you this. The reality will look NOTHING like the fantasy. They never do, and they're not supposed to.
For instance, think about the reality of sucking off a man. If you've never done it, factor in his actual size. There isn't a big-dick boyfriend hanging out on every corner. He's probably going to be average. Is he bisexual? Is he gay? Is the girl commanding you actually enjoying the scene? All of these factors, unlike a fantasy, are outside your control.
This is why taboos are taboo. Everything about everything screams you get off hard on the taboo, hence why your fantasy changes, but the core remains the same. There is no definitive answer to any of it, except as often as you can, be grateful you have a penis that works. Give praise to it, and enjoy the humiliation. You're right. It's not going away. The incident didn't break you; it made you stronger. And kinky. There's worse things to be.